Welcome back to my little punk rock workshop at the North Pole, my dearest boys, girls, and enbies of all ages! 2023 has been a big year for me, and these days I split my time between TGEFM and several other publications, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity to return to the site that launched my career to spread a little bit of punk rock holiday cheer once again. So grab a nice cold glass of soy nog and curl up next to the fire for the best and worst of holiday music from the worlds of punk, the punk adjacent, and everything else!
The Bare Minumim – “Swiss Chalet Christmas Dinner Alone”
The Bare Minimum serve up a really fun Christmas tune here with some slamming punk rock and a touch of metal. The song is pretty hilarious as it talks about wanting nothing for Christmas but exactly what the title says, a Christmas dinner alone from Canadian restaurant Swiss Chalet. The gang vocals on this track make it sound like an Andrew W.K. Christmas song, which, now that you mention it, is something I hope already exists.
The video is especially fun, cutting between the band rocking out ’80s style and the lonely adventures of a man who looks like Macho Man Randy Savage in a Santa outfit. Being vegan and not a Canadian, I can’t say that I’ve ever experienced a Swiss Chalet Christmas dinner, but the band certainly makes it sound appetizing, even to me.
Big Mess – “Messy Xmas – Worldwide Edition” 7″, plus video
Big Mess’ “Messy Xmas” comes in two versions, the original and the “Worldwide Edition” which features several guest stars. Both are slamming, sloppy, classic punk rock songs that are a ton of fun. But nothing really beats the lo-fi music video that looks like it was shot on a camcorder in 1992, bringing to mind one of my favorite Christmas music videos, “Homo Christmas” by Pansy Division. The video for “Messy Xmas (Worldwide Edition)” depicts the artists recording the song, certainly makes it look like a fun experience.
Chubby and the Gang – “Violent Night (A Christmas Tale)”
When I read the title “Violent Night (A Christmas Tale),” I expected a irreverently fun Christmas song. While it wasn’t exactly what I expected from the title, I love the swinging rhythm of the song along with the crunchy punk guitars. The video, however, is another story. The music video for this song just features a man stoically riding the rides at an amusement park for whatever reason. It doesn’t seem to have much to do with the holidays, and it seems to have even less to do with the song. So the song on its own is pretty good, but the video is just bizarre and inexplicable.
Dead Pollys – “Xmas Evening”
When you get into holiday punk music, inevitably you’re going to get a lot of songs that are vulgar, crass, and cynical. I mean, that’s essentially what punk is to begin with, and putting out optimistic, shiny, happy punk Christmas songs would just be weird. Dead Pollys fully understand that and hit us with “Xmas Evening” where they land hard every time on the “fuck” in the refrain of “It’s a fucking Christmas evening.” The video, which depicts the band performing the song in a harshly-lit basement, isn’t the most creative music video I’ve ever seen, but it certainly makes it out to seem like the band are having a good time playing it, and that joy is definitely infectuous.
El Sancho – “Merry Christmas Joey Ramone” (2023 edition)
In 2021, El Sancho apparently released a Christmas album called “Jollier Than Thou” which, according to a quick Google search, doesn’t seem to be something I reviewed for this column in 2021. Honestly, there’s so much holiday stuff out there, I can’t expect Jeff to find all of it for me to review. The album’s opening track, “Merry Christmas Joey Ramone” was a fun tribute to the Ramones, who did write one of punk’s first Christmas songs, but aside from putting the words “Merry Christmas” into the song, there’s nothing holiday-themed about this song. The band remade the single this year, claiming they wanted to make it “faster, shorter, louder!” Honestly, I see very little difference between the 2021 and the 2023 version of this song and don’t see the need to rerecord the song. Basically I’m of the opinion that, unless you’ve lost the masters somehow, you don’t rerecord songs. Remember that time Zebrahead put out an entire album of their early songs rerecorded with their new vocalist to prove that they could make themselves sound exactly the same as they started even though they’ve replaced half of the members? I never understood the point of things like that. You’ve recorded the song, just let it go.
Mike Lust – “This Christmas Eve”
Mike Lust serves up a pretty basic Christmas-themed love song with a few funny lines thrown in and one fairly cool guitar solo. The jingle bells and various other types of bells are pretty standard for a Christmas song and really make it feel like a lot of other Christmas songs that have come before, but it’s at least a catchy little ditty. But, ultimately, it’s a bit of a throwaway track and probably not one I’ll be revisiting on my own time later.
MORTARS- “Year’s End”
This very brief track from Mortars is actually a rerecording of a song previously put out on their b-sides and rarities collection in 2020. While it mentions Christmas, it’s more of a New Year’s song, and a wistful one at that. The grainy, art-house video that accompanies it adds to the sense of nostalgia in the track. It would have been nice if it lasted more than a minute, but it’s definitely a quality one-minute song
Only At The Movies – “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”
Anyone who has read this column in previous years knows that I prefer original Christmas songs to covers, and that punk covers of older Christmas songs are basically the bottom of the barrel for me. That being said, Only At the Movies does a surprisingly good hardcore, slightly mathy version of one of the oldest classic Christmas tunes. The new energy of this cover makes it aggressively fun, and manages to inject new life into a very, very tired old song.
Ride the Snake – “Granda Got Run Over by A Reindeer”
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” might be the least funny novelty Christmas song ever written. The song is the height of bad boomer humor and belongs relegated to the same space as Far Side cartoons and memes that have minions in them for no discernible reason. First released in 1979 as the sole single from a group called Elmo ‘n’ Patsy—which was really Elmo Shropshire of Lexington, Kentucky who more commonly performed under the name Dr. Elmo—the terrible song has been plaguing radio stations every Christmas season ever since. Say what you will about “Domick the Italian Christmas Donkey,” at least that’s bizarrely imaginative. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” is a joke that’s already run its course by the time you finish reading the title of the song, let alone listen to it.
All that being said, Ride the Snake seem to have done the impossible here by making this horrible song listenable. Their version turns the old tune into a slow, laid-back ska song that picks up into more punk energy towards the end. The lyrics are still dumb, but the song is actually kind of fun. The incredibly low-budget video cuts between the band playing the song, what I can only assume is footage of the band members’ families, and random video game footage for some reason, making for a strange but entertaining video. If this version got played on the radio every Christmas instead of the original, I’d hate it a lot less.
Up From Here – “Tree With Lights”
Emo Christmas songs aren’t that common, but they certainly exist. Probably my favorite example is Fall Out Boy’s “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” which appeared on the 2003 compilation A Santa Cause: It’s a Punk Rock Christmas and was later rereleased on their greatest hits album.
Up From Here’s emo holiday song “Tree With Lights” is vaguel reminiscent of Fall Out Boy’s song with its focus on acoustic guitars. But then, one of my favorite things about this song is the electric, lead guitar part that really contrasts nicely with the acoustic guitars. The vocal performance is really powerful and cathartic and doesn’t feel phoned in at all, like this is a band that took their Christmas song seriously. If you’re heartbroken on Christmas, this might just be the song for you.
Once a year TGEFM lets contributor Julie River break out her “Queen of Mean” hat in order to spend the holiday season critiquing this year’s crop of holiday-themed tunes. Some she loves, some she definitely doesn’t. But what are you gonna do? If you’re gonna wade into the Thunderdome that is HOLIDAY SONGS, you’d damn well better bring your A game.
Julie is punk rock, lesbian time lady from the future. The greatest things in the world are punk rock and science fiction. Check out her website JulieRiver.com!
