Once a year TGEFM lets contributor Julie River break out her “Queen of Mean” hat in order to spend the holiday season critiquing this year’s crop of holiday-themed tunes. Some she loves, some she definitely doesn’t. But what are you gonna do? If you’re gonna wade into the Thunderdome that is HOLIDAY SONGS, you’d damn well better bring your A game. (Oh, and all opinions here are Julie’s. TGEFM still loves you all!)
Merry Christmas Eve, everyone! I’ve always felt like there’s magic in the air for Christmas Eve, and I enjoy it even more than Christmas Day itself. So before you curl up in front of the fire to rewatch George Bailey sexually blackmail his future wife while she cowers naked in a bush, let me round up the last few holiday releases that either came out late or I just completely forgot about them in previous weeks.
Welcome back to another punk rock Christmas season! Time to round up the best Christmas songs from the worlds of punk, the punk adjacent, and everything else.
Birthday Dad – “Saturnalia”
This track is kind of subdued and just a little jazzy, too. It’s got a good, mellow energy and some strangely beautiful lyrics like “I left you sustenance for your time/I hope it cures your hunger.” Vocalist Alex Periera sounds eerily like Bright Eyes’ frontman Conor Oberst, so it’s kind of cool to hear that because Oberst has never put out an original Christmas song (just covers of traditional songs). Overall, a really fun little tune.
The Decline/Nerdlinger – “I Never Cared About Christmas” and “Séance It Ain’t So”
I feel a bit like a teacher who just caught a couple of students copying each other’s work. What I mean by that is that “I Never Cared About Christmas” by The Decline and “Séance It Ain’t So” by Nerdlinger have almost the exact same lyrics, despite being by two different bands with two different titles. Here’s where it gets weirder, because the lyrics, which are about a Satanist resurrecting their lover in time for Christmas, are packed with paranormal references, including HP Lovecraft (and Evil Dead‘s) mythically evil Necronomicon. They also reference Buffy the Vampire Slayer and, trust me, Buffy only has one Christmas episode, yet despite constant references in the song to rewatching Season 2, Buffy’s sole Christmas episode is in Season 3. (And the episode sucks.) So I’m unsure what the point of that was. It is a really fun song, and both versions are rocking good fun, I just don’t entirely understand the joke they seem to be making here.
I reached out to both bands asking them to clarify why they released the same song and what the Buffy references are supposed to mean, and they didn’t seem to want to let me in on the joke because the only response I’ve received was from Nerdlinger saying “The Decline stole our lyrics? We’ll have to look into this!”
Harpoon, the Whale and Friends Holiday Special
Harpoon, the Whale didn’t just churn out a single Christmas song, they put together an entire freakin’ Christmas special on YouTube featuring several guest musicians such as Thomas Saffel and Rob Joyce from the band playing solo songs, and the band Wynona. The special starts with a brief intro from Harpoon, the Whale, followed by Saffel doing his song “A Love Song for Annebelle’s Corpse,” which isn’t a Christmas song, it just happens to be in this Christmas special. It’s a bit over long and dry emo song, and when he switches over to something more seasonal (“Angels We Have Heard on High”), even Saffel seems to be happy that he switched to a more lively song. Joyce, who is in both Harpoon and Wynona, then comes out and starts playing “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy” from The Nutcracker, before moving into a non-holiday original called “Neverending.” I get why there are non-Christmas songs in here as it’s more of a holiday-themed excuse to show off some of their friends’ talent, but some of these solo acoustic performances aren’t that interesting. Then our first band of the special is Wynona, who play their song “Great Big Room” that has a bit of a ‘90s post-grunge feel to it and is much more engaging. Finally we get Harpoon, the Whale, who, after a brief instrumental intro, play a song called “Back to Christmas” which is a fun but short emo/pop-punk song about Christmas. Then they move onto another Christmas ditty called “Not Coming Back,” which is a lot of fun, too. Over the credits, Harpoon’s frontman Kaleb Richey plays their song “T2U,” which is a gorgeous little emo tune that sounds like something out of the early 2000s. Overall, the special is a fun way to highlight these artists, even if some of the songs featured are a little uneven.
Sleigher – “South of Lapland”
Sleigher, a Christmas-based metal supergroup featuring members of Harken, Dream Theater, Protest the Hero, and more, returns with their follow up to last year’s single, “Seasons Greetings in the Abyss.” This time they bring us “South of Lapland (Santa’s Glory Yuletide).” For those wondering what Lapland is, it’s a city in Finland which, according to Finnish legend, is said to be the home of Santa Claus. The song (which parodies Slayer‘s “South of Heaven) is long, disjointed, packed full of holiday references, and absolutely hilarious. The band members can be seen all playing their instruments in metal themed holiday garb in the video, while the lyrics bring disparate pop cultural references together to hilarious effect. It’s largely a novelty tune, but it’s a lot of fun.
Vaudeville Remedy – These Christmas Streets
I was a little put off by this song at the opening, which is a literal Bible quote from the very beginning of the Book of Genesis. But thankfully it then moves into a messy, silly Christmas song with some really killer but fairly sloppy guitar riffs. It doesn’t seem like a song that they took too seriously, but it’s still enjoyable.
xIron Sharpens Ironx – The Ballad of Shchedryk
I didn’t know that there were actually bands that began and ended their name with an “x.” I thought that was just a big scene joke. I also assumed that, should any of these xbandsx actually exist, they wouldn’t have the necessary whimsy to put out a Christmas song. Apparently, I was wrong on both accounts. xIron Sharpens Ironx’s “The Ballad of Shchedryk” is a cover of the classic Christmas carol “Carol of the Bells,” which was, itself, based on a Ukranian folk chant called “Shchedryk,” hence the new title. It’s a pretty straightforward instrumental punk cover of the song that doesn’t add much new to the song, but is a pretty good rendition nonetheless.
And that’s it for this year on Yellin’ at the Christmas Tree! Here’s wishing all of you a happy holiday, whatever you may celebrate, and to quote Devo’s Christmas song “Merry Something to You”: “Believe what you want to/Nothing’s really true.”
Julie is punk rock, lesbian time lady from the future. The greatest things in the world are punk rock and science fiction. Check out her website JulieRiver.com!
